it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He passed out mid-signature
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
