Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
