last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
