And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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