So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
