I smell stomach acid.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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