nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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