i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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