dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
