I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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