I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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