My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
