Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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