There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this just has baby written all over it
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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