His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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