so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
