it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
