just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just googled if crying burns calories
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
