the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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