I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Shame - the story of my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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