i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
