I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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