My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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