But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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