He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
