I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
