don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
