she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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