Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
