youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
