mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
