What did we do last night that was yellow?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize