I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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