Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
