Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
