I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
