The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
