Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
sarcasm needs its own font
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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