so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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