he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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