***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize