Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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