are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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