I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
