I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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