nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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