are you still at the devil's house?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
