remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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