insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
