while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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