someone owes me an orgasm
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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