so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You're like the curious george of whores
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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