Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
