I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
