I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
