he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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