There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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