thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
