Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
