I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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