we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
