Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
