she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
