mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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